It is painful to watch all the family members being interviewed (on MSNBC for me) trying to send a message to the Hamas terrorists who kidnapped their family members. They are clinging to hope.

I have not doubt that when an host inteviews them and shows a lot of empathy, sometimes having tears in their eyes, it makes them feel that their feelings are being taken seriously. I am not suggesitng that our media forgoes conducting these interviews. It is important that Americans see the suffering which is being inflicted on everyday people.

I am just sayng that there are other aspects to hanging onto a thread of hope when that thread is so fragile.

Those hoping that they will see their loved ones again somehow believe that these savage terrorists will respond to their wishes if by chance they see them on TV.

If anything if some of them see them they will have the oposite reaction and will feel pleased that they are inflicting tremenedous pain on the Israelis who they hate. “We love you, we want to hug you, we want you back home” says a tearful woman. I expect any terrorist who sees such things won’t be moved at all.

When Netanyahu says Hamas is worse than ISIS what Hamas hears is Hamas is better than ISIS.

I write this from having had a personal experience with being told to have hope that my wife would survive stage four lung cancer. Her cancer had spread to her liver and lymph system. Chemo might have extended her life but couldn’t cure her. She was being treated at a world class Boston cancer hospital by a renowned lung cancer expert.

I was given a little silver token with the word “hope” on it which I gave to her parents. I met with a therapist at the hospital where my wife was getting her chemo treatment and also sat in when she met with the oncologist. I was faced the with realization that the only hope for my wife’s survival was that a new drug in experimental trials might cure her. Her oncologist told us there were no such drugs at the time. If there were he said he’d be among the first to know about them.

I asked the therapist who was among several in the cancer program whether she thought that there was anything to the notion that anticipatory grieving would help me deal with it when my wife died. She said she didn’t know. She said it was different for everyone.

Now almost ten years latter I still don’t know how much it helped because my grief was debilitating only lessening to a bearable level after a year.

I suppose I was lucky in that I the denial stage of the five stages of grief before my wife was surely going to die didn’t last long. Unfortunately my wife’s parents, then in their 80’s, held onto denial for a long time and when it was clear she wouldn’t live they lit into me for giving them the token that said “hope” on it.

My wife knew right after her diagnosis that she was going to die even if she didn’t know when. If she knew how horrible the chemo treatment would be I think that she would have refused it. After the first month of the debilitating chemo she and I talked about stopping and I said I’d support her decision but she knew her parents would be enraged with her and blame her for trying to hurt them by giving up. She stuck with the chemo until a very rare side effect caused her kidneys to stop functioning.

I was lucky compared to those who lose loved ones without any preparation. It could be due to an acute onset medical event, an accident, or in a violent attack like has been happening in Ukraine and now in Israel.

Over a period of a couple of months I was able to say goodby to my wife including just before she died by her own choice since the reaction to the chemo destroyed her kidney function and put her on dialysis. All she had to do to die was stop the dialysis knowing that in about five days she’d die. She was alert for those five days even though she was on heavy pain medication and we had lots of time to talk.

It is odd to say both of us were lucky. She chose to die before death with dignity laws were passed and I was lucky that I could spend her last five days with her 24/7 sleeping in a cot next to her hosptial bed. All of her old friends were able to visit her. Her best childhood friend was also with her when she died. They were able to share wonderful childhood memories.

The loved ones of the Hamas hostages will have no such luck. Far worse, the death of their loved ones may be brutal and unless it can be blocked (as hopefully it can) it could end up on the media. Even if they don’t learn how their loved ones died considering what they already know about the savage brutality of the Hamas terrorists they will have to try to keep horrendous images from intruding into their minds.

I think that Netanyahu and his civilians, intelligence, and military advisors know that it is highly unlikely that any of the hostages will survive. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if behind closed doors more than one top officials, and ordinary Israelis, have uttered the chilling but realistic words “they already might as well be dead.”

I read that Israel has about 4000 prisoners they might offer up in a trade but I doubt they want to set this precedent.

I’d like to see Netanyahu be forthcoming with the country and tell the truth about how unlilely it is that the hostages will be spared to return home. Some of their families already are aware of this but others may be in deep denial. The family members I’ve seen interviewed on television seem to be in the later group.

They can receive counseling like I did. I don’t know how much anticipating my wife’s death in advance and dealing with my grief prior to her death helped but it may have. The idea “where there’s life their’s hope” is deeply ingrained in people but there are times when clinging to hope when there is barely any hope can be counter-productive.

Grief is is different in many ways for evryone but one thing seems to hold true. Of the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance people don’t move to the last four until they get past the first.

Netanyahu can help prepare his citizens for entering the stages of grief if and when they learn that their loved ones have died by telling them that while they should hold onto some hope they should realize that they have to prepare for the worst.